I Think I Understand

It's amazing the difference time, perspective, and knowledge make. When Alta had her first seizure, I was up hours before, wondering the house, checking the doors and windows. There was a general unease, and I knew something was off, something was going to happen, I just had no idea what. When the drama started with Alta three hours later, I knew that's why I'd been up. To refresh your memory, or if you're just jumping into my blog, I heard Emma yell at Alta to be quiet, they share a bunk bed, with Em on top. Because I was already up, I went to check on them, that's when I found Alta unconscious in her bed. That was one of the scariest things that's ever happened to me. You always assume you'll call your child's name, touch their arm, something, while they're sleeping, and there will be a response. Your heart doesn't just drop when you don't get that response, it flies from your chest, breaking bone, and ripping flesh on its way out. I admit it. I panicked when I couldn't wake her up, and for weeks after, I beat myself up about it. I looked back, and criticized my reaction. I screamed for my husband, who came running. Later I over heard him telling someone: my wife doesn't panic quickly, but there was something in her voice that morning. I knew it was bad. When he got there, I was pulling her out of bed, still trying to get her to wake up. I handed her off to him, yelled for him to get her downstairs, where paramedics could get to her easier, and ran for the phone. Paul tells me I had the 911 dispatcher on the phone in 30 seconds from when I found her. But still, I beat myself up. I kept telling myself I should have had her laid out on the floor ready for CPR, should have checked her pulse and her breathing. I didn't...even now, it still upsets me that I didn't think to do that. But what has time, perspective, and knowledge changed? Last week we got Alta's epilepsy diagnosis. I realized that I needed to be awake that morning, NOT to test my rusty CPR skills, but to get the ball rolling. We would have completely missed the other two seizures if I hadn't been awake enough to check on the girls that morning. We NEEDED to know about the seizures so we could get help for her, so we didn't unwittingly send her into dangerous situations. The trust my husband and God put in me to take care of these little ones is not misplaced. In the early weeks I felt it was, that i underperformed. But, through His sweet mercies, I realized that's not true, and it took time. It took perspective. It took knowledge.