Thursday, January 27, 2011

The Dreamweavers: Feel Like Blogging Today

The Dreamweavers: Feel Like Blogging Today: "So, I'm writing. I took about a week off. The voices were quiet after we had to say good-bye to my dog, Sirius Black. He died young, but liv..."

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


Sirius Black
10/1/08 - 1/19/11
Rest in Peace big dog.
I tried to fit a lifetime of love
 into two short years.

Sirius Black

I wish I could figure out how to load a picture from my iPod to my blog. But I can't, and honestly, I don't care that much right now.

Today, I had to say good bye to one of my best friends. My dog, Sirius Black. He went in for exploratory surgery because of a lump on his side (see previous posts). They couldn't get him through surgery.

I was told that doc probably knew from the beginning, when they opened him, that it was a losing battle, but worked for an hour or more to try to change that outcome. He dreaded the phone call, and put it off as long as he could.

I knew when the kids said it was the vet's office, that something was wrong. It was too early for them to call me.

"I don't think I can save him."

I had just dropped the kids off from school. I gave them the choice to go back with me and say good bye. Carter stayed home, but the rest came with me.

They had Sirius cleaned up, and waiting for us. We were there when he left this world. All along the way, I gave the children choices. They could be there for everything, or just a few things. They did what they could.

I believe that heaven is full of animals. They're loyal and trustworthy. They love without condition. They are what we should all aspire to be. How could the gates not open for them?

There are reminders of him all over. He was here just this morning. He was playing with Zeus. He was nuzzling me. He chased squirrels from the yard. He has...he had a way of launching himself from the deck that was amazing. His ears were the softest I'd ever felt. His tail curled in an almost pug-like way.
He was amazing. He was adorable. He was well loved, and he was mine. He will be missed.

It's snowing hard here today. I tell myself the angels are crying for me as they welcome him home. He gets to see an old friend, Kenai. He gets to meet a new friend, Kodi. Kodi and Sirius will get along splendidly, and they can all play together now, I wish I could see it. I hope there's a ball.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Update on: What's Drowning Out the Voices?

Took my little guy to get his eyes checked today. The verdict: he needs glasses - and an eye patch.
One of his eyes is a little lazy, so he'll be training it by playing pirate. The doc said there were two lines my guy couldn't even see. Who knows what my little man's been missing?

He also needs glasses for reading, the eye muscles are weak and working really hard to focus. I have the same problem. When my eyes get too tired, the words blurr together: my eyes cross. His special reading class is at the end of the day. When we're working with him: end of the day. His eyes are shot, and he's working overtime to focus the words. No wonder he's having a hard time.


The cub needs glasses for distance. I asked the dr to explain the numbers. He said at 25 cents, 50c, or even 75c, you can get away without wearing the glasses for distance. He's sitting at 1.75 and 1.25. So, all the work they've done on the board. All the times the teacher has flashed a sight word in front of the kids, my boy may not have even known what he was looking at.

I'm not sure how to feel. Part of me wants to jump up and down because we may have found a stumbling block, and now we're going to blast it out of the way. Another part of me, the mean part, is yelling, telling me I should have done this sooner. Telling me I've made my kid struggle when he didn't need to. Either way, in the next couple weeks, my boy should be able to see better, distance and reading. Then watch out. He's gonna soar.

What's Drowning Out the Voices?

For me, writing is listening to the voices in my head. Lots of times I hear the conversation between the characters, and I race to get it all down.

But right now, worries are drowning out those voices, fogging up the scenes I might otherwise see.

Worry number one - my dog Sirius. If you go all the way back to the beginning of this blog, you can meet Sirius when he was six months old. He's nearly 2.5 now. He's a pretty miraculous dog, and we've got another hurdle. Last month, he developed what we thought was an abscess. We treated it as such. It took twice as long to heal, but it eventually did. Sirius has been healed up for less than a week, and the lump is back. It appears that something inside is draining, and filling some pocket.

Unfortunately, we don't know what that thing is. I was trying to raise money for the ultrasound the dr wanted, but it appears now, that they're going to have to go in. I'm sure the doc would love to not go in blind, but...
I guess you get the picture. This isn't going to be a cheap fix, and we don't even know what we're looking at yet.

This is the first dog I've ever had that's chosen me. He follows me everywhere. He comes when I call. He seeks me out for comfort, and he brings me comfort. I have more invested in him in the 2 years we've had him than any other dog we've had - and not just the monetary investment. There's more of my heart wrapped around his than any other pet I've had.

I worry about his health and comfort. And yes, about how I can afford to see to his care right now. Will he be okay? Will I have to say good bye after such a short time with him? Is he in pain? All of these things and more I worry over.

My second worry is my youngest. I put him second, not because he's less important than the  dog, but because his issue isn't as serious.
He's struggling in school with math and reading. Basic skills that he needs to have, and I don't know how to help him. He has improved since the beginning of the year, but something still seems off.
I'm getting his eyes checked. I'm going to make sure he can actually see the numbers and letters, but after that....who knows.
I've seen him reverse letters, seen him bring letter sounds from the middle of the word and place them at the beginning. Sometimes this can be normal, but it worries me. What if he has a specialized learning style? Sight words that he should have had in Kindergarten can still be a struggle for him. He can get one word today, then struggle with it tomorrow.

My oldest daughter had speech issues. We needed a speech therapist to unlock something in her brain that we just couldn't. The information was in her head, she just couldn't get it out. I feel like maybe my son's brain is locked, but instead of getting info out, we're having problems getting it in.

Here's what I know about my kiddo. He's smart. He catches on to how things work quicker than the other kids, then he uses it to his advantage. If he could do that with reading, he would.
The other thing I know about him; he's one of the sweetest kids you will EVER find. When he was only a few years old, he noticed a bigger boy had taken a toy from a smaller girl. My son came to her and gave her his toy.

I gave him pennies the other night when I cleaned out a drawer. He gave them to grandma and grandpa so they could buy stuff on their trip.
He wants to please us. He sees how excited we get when he reads something. What he's giving us is his best. If he could do more, he would, if for no other reason than to please us.

This brings me back to my worries for him. I hope they find something in a vision test that makes a difference for him. If not, then my mind wanders into learning disabilities, the first one being dyslexia. My other worries; is he going to be held back? Or fall behind. This kid can soar, I know it, but some thing's tethering him to the ground. I would hate for that tether to turn into low-self esteem, because that's the hardest rope to saw through. I worry for his future. He needs these skills.

I worry that, as a mother, I've missed something, or done something wrong, and that he's struggling because of it. I pace and pray, searching for the answers. He amazes me and he's stuck. I hate it.

So, my writing the last day or so, I'm not feeling it, the worry is a boulder, blocking out the voices. The scenes. I feel so muddled and mixed up, it's hard to see the big picture right now.

On the plus side, I've walked through worse, and come out the better for it. I'm sure this time will be no different. I just have to reach the other side.