We Deal With Stress Differently

I realized that yesterday. My husband and I are dealing with the news of the epilepsy diagnosis differently. I'm conscious of how I'm dealing with it. I'm trying to hit it head on. Anticipating various scenarios and putting plans of action into place to deal with them. Sometimes, I feel like the warrior mom, standing with sword drawn, and shield in place to protect my girl from this disorder I can't see, but I know is there. Acceptance wasn't an issue, I accepted, then went into fight mode. My plan is to do everything I can to keep her safe, then let go and leave it up to God to step in where I can't, and my energy has been focused there, that's how I'm dealing with the stress and the news. It's not a perfect solution, however. Lack of sleep and added stress is not good for the memory, I totally flaked on a child's parent teacher conference yesterday, and feel horrible about it. I've left a message, profusely appologizing for my lightmindedness. It took a while for me to realize though, that my husband isn't going to deal with things the same way. It seems to me, that to him, it's not big deal, and at first that irritated me. But as I've watched him, as I've looked back on this past week, I can see that my dear husband has been more stressed than usual. He's dealing with it, it's just being channeled differently. I realized last night, that I need to cut him some slack, we're different people, and we'll deal with things differently. Just because it's different, doesn't mean it's not right. It works for him, even if it annoys me sometimes. I'm sure my way annoys him at times too. I think dealing with stress can be hard for a couple, and if we're not careful, if we're not understanding and forgiving, then we make it that much harder on ourselves. We have enough stress right now, why add to it?

I Think I Understand

It's amazing the difference time, perspective, and knowledge make. When Alta had her first seizure, I was up hours before, wondering the house, checking the doors and windows. There was a general unease, and I knew something was off, something was going to happen, I just had no idea what. When the drama started with Alta three hours later, I knew that's why I'd been up. To refresh your memory, or if you're just jumping into my blog, I heard Emma yell at Alta to be quiet, they share a bunk bed, with Em on top. Because I was already up, I went to check on them, that's when I found Alta unconscious in her bed. That was one of the scariest things that's ever happened to me. You always assume you'll call your child's name, touch their arm, something, while they're sleeping, and there will be a response. Your heart doesn't just drop when you don't get that response, it flies from your chest, breaking bone, and ripping flesh on its way out. I admit it. I panicked when I couldn't wake her up, and for weeks after, I beat myself up about it. I looked back, and criticized my reaction. I screamed for my husband, who came running. Later I over heard him telling someone: my wife doesn't panic quickly, but there was something in her voice that morning. I knew it was bad. When he got there, I was pulling her out of bed, still trying to get her to wake up. I handed her off to him, yelled for him to get her downstairs, where paramedics could get to her easier, and ran for the phone. Paul tells me I had the 911 dispatcher on the phone in 30 seconds from when I found her. But still, I beat myself up. I kept telling myself I should have had her laid out on the floor ready for CPR, should have checked her pulse and her breathing. I didn't...even now, it still upsets me that I didn't think to do that. But what has time, perspective, and knowledge changed? Last week we got Alta's epilepsy diagnosis. I realized that I needed to be awake that morning, NOT to test my rusty CPR skills, but to get the ball rolling. We would have completely missed the other two seizures if I hadn't been awake enough to check on the girls that morning. We NEEDED to know about the seizures so we could get help for her, so we didn't unwittingly send her into dangerous situations. The trust my husband and God put in me to take care of these little ones is not misplaced. In the early weeks I felt it was, that i underperformed. But, through His sweet mercies, I realized that's not true, and it took time. It took perspective. It took knowledge.

We Can't Make it Go Away, So We'll Make it Fun

That's the outlook today on Alta's diagnosis. I am not physically capable of taking this affliction away from my daughter. If I could, I would. I also know that if God wanted her healed, He would. Our prayers would have been answered that way. I don't blame Him for this at all. It's something that will teach us, something that will help us grow, maybe bring us closer together, increase our patience and understanding of those around us. There are numerous GOOD things that can come from this. It's not a death sentence, merely an inconvenience. For that, I am grateful. That doesn't mean there won't be some suckiness that comes along though. So, we're going to do our best to balance the two. First, for safety, a medical ID bracelet. For those times we're not around. But cute, not sterile, severe looking. Something that's fun to wear, but useful at the same time. I'm working with a friend on it. For peace of mind: looking into little dogs, whose sole purpose is to attach itself to my girl, and bark its head off if she has a seizure. He will be her assistance dog, and will hopefully help the rest of us sleep better. I don't expect he'll bark if she's just turning over, but if she does something weird or alarming, then maybe he'll bark. Although the baby monitor is helpful, the times it wakes me up unnecessarily are too ginormous to count. I really would like to feel comfortable sleeping again. Heck, so would Emma. For Fun: Emma has decided to retire Concussion Girl, but Alta has chosen to keep Seizure Girl going strong. That' what she wants to be for Halloween :) So, I've got to come up with a costume design or something for her. We're also thinking about making a comic book for her this summer. She can come up with Seizure Girl adventures and we'll write them out, add some illustrations, that sort of thing. We've talked about giving a quick presentation to her new class in the fall, of what epilepsy is and isn't, and what they can expect, and what they can do. I don't want her whole class wigged out if she does have a seizure. I'm selfish, I want the teacher's attention focused on my girl. The better prepared her class mates are as far as what to expect, the better. We may use the comic we make over the summer for this. So, that's the game plan so far. I can't make it go away, but I can make it fun may be my motto for a while.

Results, We Have Them

From the MRI: everything looks good. Nothing they could see that would cause the seizures. EEG: They did see something: generalized seizure patterns My little girl is epileptic. I don't know how to feel about this. I was prepared for the rolandic seizure diagnosis, but this is more. Instead of being limited to sleeping moments, the seizures can happen anytime, anywhere. The fact that we've only noticed ones during sleep is just a fluke. In my last post, I commented on how odd the tech's comment was when I asked if Alta'd had a seizure during the test. She said: "I didn't see anything you described to me." So I wondered what she did see. Now I know. Toward the end of the test her eyes fluttered, and that fluttering matched up with the seizure patterns on the EEG. We need to watch her for the small seizures, like fluttering eyes and staring into space, as well as the big ones. I feel like crying over it, but I'm not sure why exactly. I was prepared for the other one, maybe I would have cried a little over that one too, I don't know. But this is more than I expected. On the other hand, I'm very grateful. I have an answer, and that's what I wanted, right? I also know that it could be worse, and it's not. The other reason to be grateful, it's not a brain tumor causing this. That would definitely be worse. I guess it's a mixed bag of emotions. Gratitude that things aren't worse, worried about my baby girl's future, and how epilepsy will affect her. On the fun side: Alta wants to be Seizure Girl for Halloween, and we're planning a comic book about her character in the summer.