For me, writing is listening to the voices in my head. Lots of times I hear the conversation between the characters, and I race to get it all down.
But right now, worries are drowning out those voices, fogging up the scenes I might otherwise see.
Worry number one - my dog Sirius. If you go all the way back to the beginning of this blog, you can meet Sirius when he was six months old. He's nearly 2.5 now. He's a pretty miraculous dog, and we've got another hurdle. Last month, he developed what we thought was an abscess. We treated it as such. It took twice as long to heal, but it eventually did. Sirius has been healed up for less than a week, and the lump is back. It appears that something inside is draining, and filling some pocket.
Unfortunately, we don't know what that thing is. I was trying to raise money for the ultrasound the dr wanted, but it appears now, that they're going to have to go in. I'm sure the doc would love to not go in blind, but...
I guess you get the picture. This isn't going to be a cheap fix, and we don't even know what we're looking at yet.
This is the first dog I've ever had that's chosen me. He follows me everywhere. He comes when I call. He seeks me out for comfort, and he brings me comfort. I have more invested in him in the 2 years we've had him than any other dog we've had - and not just the monetary investment. There's more of my heart wrapped around his than any other pet I've had.
I worry about his health and comfort. And yes, about how I can afford to see to his care right now. Will he be okay? Will I have to say good bye after such a short time with him? Is he in pain? All of these things and more I worry over.
My second worry is my youngest. I put him second, not because he's less important than the dog, but because his issue isn't as serious.
He's struggling in school with math and reading. Basic skills that he needs to have, and I don't know how to help him. He has improved since the beginning of the year, but something still seems off.
I'm getting his eyes checked. I'm going to make sure he can actually see the numbers and letters, but after that....who knows.
I've seen him reverse letters, seen him bring letter sounds from the middle of the word and place them at the beginning. Sometimes this can be normal, but it worries me. What if he has a specialized learning style? Sight words that he should have had in Kindergarten can still be a struggle for him. He can get one word today, then struggle with it tomorrow.
My oldest daughter had speech issues. We needed a speech therapist to unlock something in her brain that we just couldn't. The information was in her head, she just couldn't get it out. I feel like maybe my son's brain is locked, but instead of getting info out, we're having problems getting it in.
Here's what I know about my kiddo. He's smart. He catches on to how things work quicker than the other kids, then he uses it to his advantage. If he could do that with reading, he would.
The other thing I know about him; he's one of the sweetest kids you will EVER find. When he was only a few years old, he noticed a bigger boy had taken a toy from a smaller girl. My son came to her and gave her his toy.
I gave him pennies the other night when I cleaned out a drawer. He gave them to grandma and grandpa so they could buy stuff on their trip.
He wants to please us. He sees how excited we get when he reads something. What he's giving us is his best. If he could do more, he would, if for no other reason than to please us.
This brings me back to my worries for him. I hope they find something in a vision test that makes a difference for him. If not, then my mind wanders into learning disabilities, the first one being dyslexia. My other worries; is he going to be held back? Or fall behind. This kid can soar, I know it, but some thing's tethering him to the ground. I would hate for that tether to turn into low-self esteem, because that's the hardest rope to saw through. I worry for his future. He needs these skills.
I worry that, as a mother, I've missed something, or done something wrong, and that he's struggling because of it. I pace and pray, searching for the answers. He amazes me and he's stuck. I hate it.
So, my writing the last day or so, I'm not feeling it, the worry is a boulder, blocking out the voices. The scenes. I feel so muddled and mixed up, it's hard to see the big picture right now.
On the plus side, I've walked through worse, and come out the better for it. I'm sure this time will be no different. I just have to reach the other side.